My Story

I grew up on the west coast of the U.S, and I am a Caucasian, died-in-the-wool Gen X'r. I'm the oldest of four siblings, all of us sharing the same father but I have a different mother than my siblings. I had two children, one an adult, one lost to suicide. I'm happily and indefinitely celibate and single. I have worked in law enforcement administration, and now work in criminal justice administration.

I won't go on and on about the details of the trauma I've experienced, as I know that can be triggering for readers, and will start posts with related trigger warnings. This should not be taken as any sort of bragging or sympathy grab, but I do think it's important that readers understand my background.

From the top:

My birth mother left when I was 3, and my parents divorced.

I experienced sexual abuse at age 5 from a family friend.

My father was my single parent until I was 9, when he remarried, and took up drinking.

I experienced verbal, emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my step-mother from age 9-18.

My step-mother used child psychologists to inflict psychological abuse at the ages of 9-15 or so.

I experienced religious abuse from age 12-18, again at the hands of my step-mother and the churches she chose for the family.

My step-mother used financial abuse to perpetrate continuing neglect of my physical, emotional, medical and dental needs while my siblings did not experience the same level of neglect. Age 9 into adulthood.

I lost my paternal grandmother at age 17. We were very close and she was a life-saving positive presence in my life.

I experienced sex abuse in a variety of forms from 18 into later adulthood.

I married at 21, divorced at 22, I then got pregnant at age 23 and 25.

I experienced emotional, physical, financial, verbal, and sexual abuse from my second husband. He was a covert narcissist that was very adept at coercive control.

I had my first near-death health emergency at age 28, which led to a diagnosis of Crohn's Disease.

I endured a medically required abortion.

I divorced, after a scary period of time of serious migraines and suicidal ideations at age 40.

I experienced more abuse through dating and subsequent relationships, all short lived.

I have experienced depression throughout my life, serious postpartum depression twice leading to suicidal ideations.

I seriously contemplated suicide a total of 4 times in my life -ages 18, 24, 26 and 39. I made one attempt at 18.

I lost a son to suicide in 2017.

I was raped at the age of 47 by a co-worker, followed by months of harassment.

I had a second near-death health emergency at age 49.

I experience ongoing relational trauma within my family and in the workplace.

Clinical Diagnoses:

Major Depressive Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

cPTSD/PTSD

Crohn's Disease

Suspected and Informal Diagnoses:

ADHD

Hypersensitivity

Highly Sensitive Person(HSP)

Physical and Mental Outcomes:

Chronic Inflammatory Disease (Crohn's Disease)

Chronic Fatigue

Disassociation

Emotional Dysregulation

Overeating

Hyper Fixation

Hypersexuality

Physical Self-Neglect

Treatment:

Disclaimer: This is what I have come up with as my personal treatment plan over years of trial and error, and working with health professionals. Due to years of not having health insurance, I always tried alternative medicine and strategies before pharmaceuticals. Now that I do have health insurance, I still lean towards alternatives to pharmaceuticals first, as this is what works for me both physically and philosophically. I strongly encourage you to seek out guidance from health professionals whenever possible, or do thorough research into any supplements before using them.

I see a therapist twice a month. Therapy has been intermittent throughout my life, but I have been in therapy consistently since my son passed.

I have taken both Zoloft and Wellbutrin in the past. Zoloft was effective in easing my anxiety and stress, but I also felt nothing else and fell into depression. I took it to be able to manage the stress of leaving one job and relocating to another. Wellbutrin exacerbated my anxiety and I felt borderline manic while taking it. I have periodically taken other anti-depressants, but again, they weren't effective. I am very sensitive to substances so most often pharmaceuticals bring worse side affects than my existing symptoms. This is true of physical and emotional health issues.

I manage my chronic illness through stress management and lifestyle, and after leaving my abusive marriage and later completing early onset menopause, it is mostly in remission. Intense periods of stress will cause it to flare up again.

I eat a mostly plant based diet, but will occasionally eat fish, meat and eggs. I don't smoke, drink alcohol or caffeine, and limit my sugar intake.

I take supplements to help manage stress, depression, balance hormones and regulate my sleep.

I get outdoors for fresh air and low impact physical activity several times a week.

I do not subscribe to any specific religious beliefs, but have Buddhist leanings.

I choose my relationships carefully. I live a more solitary life, but it's more about reducing stimulation and controlling my environment than avoiding connection with others.

I have an amazing dog that takes his job as my emotional support animal very seriously.