Why Doesn't She Just Leave?

The question "Why doesn't she just leave?" has long been echoing around the issue of domestic abuse. For someone on the outside looking in, the abuse is often blatantly obvious and impossible to ignore. Concerned friends and family become frustrated with victims who appear to choose to remain in abusive, toxic and dangerous relationships. Victims themselves become exhausted, ashamed and hopeless over their situation. Even those that finally make it out of a dangerous relationship often look back with embarrassment and frustration that they stayed as long as they did.

Whether you are a victim, survivor or family member, it may be helpful to hear a few statistics around domestic lethality. Laura Richards, a criminal analyst in the UK, has done extensive research into the behavior and dynamics of the relationship leading up to a domestic violence homicide. Based on her research, she has developed the DASH risk assessment tool, and has educated law enforcement around the world on how to use it. See below for what Laura found in her research, and the ongoing research being conducted in England:

1. It takes an average of 7 attempts to leave before a woman is successful.
2. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves with permanency.
3. 76% of women are killed by their domestic partners after they leave. This happens most often when the death was preceded by arguments about the custody of children.
4. 80% of domestic violence homicides happens within the first 6 month of her leaving.

In the United States, we cannot talk about domestic violence without also talking about guns. This is uniquely an American problem, with 92% of domestic homicides in wealthy nations occurring in the U.S. Let's look at some disturbing statistics about the intersection of guns and domestic violence in the United States:

1. One in three women report experiencing domestic abuse in their lifetime.
2. Every month, and average of 70 women are shot and killed by a domestic partner.
3. Nearly 1 million women alive in the U.S. today have reported being shot at by a domestic partner, and 4.5 million women report having been threatened with a gun by a domestic partner.
4. There is a disproportionate impact of gun violence on American Indian / Alaska Native, Black, and Latina women as well as pregnant and postpartum women.
5. Intimate partner homicides are on the rise, as well as the use of a gun to commit the homicide.

Through the use of coercive control, a victim becomes psychologically, emotionally, financially, and even physically trapped in a dangerous relationship that has a high probability of ending in homicide. This is amplified by the presence of a gun in the home. This is why victims feel they have no option but to stay.

Above, one of the stats I quoted was that it takes on average 7 attempts to leave a domestic abuse relationship. It begs the question, "why does she go back?". She goes back because it got dangerous, she got scared, if not terrified, and potentially all of her resources are tied to him. She left most likely as a stress response to an incident or an intensifying of behavior on his part, and wasn't prepared to be on her own. The behavior always escalates until it is stopped one way or another. She goes back because she is a victim of his coercion, and he's good at it.

When she sees him for who he truly is, is when she leaves for the last time. It's not only that she's finally leaving him for good, it's also that she is seeing him for who he is, and her reaction is to reject that version of him. At the heart of any abuser is low self-esteem, self-loathing and deeply ingrained shame. He most likely blames his abusive behavior on his own victimhood from childhood, and she has rejected him as that hurt child. Let me be clear, I am not excusing his behavior. There is more access and acceptance now more than any other time in history regarding men's mental health, therapy and recovery.

I do not provide this information to discourage victims or their friends and family. I'm hoping to share information that will help victims and their support network make an informed, detailed, and personalized safety plan. A safety plan is just that, it's a plan to keep a victim safe while living with an abuser or trying to leave an abuser.

When I was an advocate and would help women develop their safety plan. What I would always emphasize the most was that the victim knows the abuser best. She knows what sets him off, what appeases him, and when he is most vulnerable. Once she starts thinking about it, she will be able to figure out how to beat him at his own game in order to make as safe an exit as possible.

Be prepared to get law enforcement and the courts involved, and learn those processes before you attempt to leave. Many communities have a DVRC, or domestic violence resource center, that will connect victims with resources and assist in completing court filings for restraining orders. If there is not a dedicated resource like this, most prosecutor's offices have a victim advocate on staff, and more and more law enforcement agencies are employing victim advocates. At the very least, they have a detective that works domestic and child abuse cases that will be knowledgeable in local resources.

A victim has to be part of the safety planning and exit strategy, and will be more successful in leaving if she has non-judgmental, patient support and access to resources that empower her. Her immediate friends and family should become familiar with coercive control tactics, because the abuser will turn to them to try to convince her to return. They should also keep his details handy - vehicles he has access to, his employer, phone numbers and social media accounts he's been known or even suspected of using. Save everything, and try to preserve the integrity of any potential evidence. The victim's family or friends should be prepared to take over managing her phone, be present at hospital and doctor visits, and police/court activities.

My personal story - I left on the 3rd try. I spent nearly a year planning and gathering resources. After I left, he stalked me, moved a block away from my new residence, would appear in my home and not leave, made physical, financial, and legal threats, as well as threats to my public reputation. He had always been passive aggressive and covert in his abuse to me, and the direct threats were very alarming. 15 years later, he has re-married his 1st wife (before me). That was less than a year ago, and until that happened, he used any interaction we had to attempt to get under my skin and/or reconcile. True to the statistics, he started losing steam after about 2 years(meaning it became less constant), when he became involved with another woman.

But, I got out, I survived, and I'm recovering. It is possible.

Be smart, be safe.